Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Problems with The Lion King Presented in the Popular Listicle Format with Visual Aids for Illiterates (Who Make Up the Main Audience for The Lion King)

You know that song that goes in the jungle the mighty jungle the lions sleeps tonight well that's not even accurate the lion doesn't sleep in the jungle he doesn't even live in the jungle the jungle is for jaguars and leopards you idiots!

And that isn't even my main problem with Disney's 1994 animated musical, The Lion King. For starters, I don't think the so-called 'circle of life' necessarily has to involve your uncle killing your own father and stealing your birthright. So that's misleading.

2. Hakuna Matata does not mean "no worries for the rest of your days." It means "no worries" as in "no problem," or "no big deal." There's a world of difference that in all its irrevocable frivolity The Lion King glosses over entirely. It's like they didn't have Wikipedia in those days or something.

Swahili speakers all over the world find The Lion King insulting.
3. There's no such thing as a 'problem-free philosophy.' Read some Foucault, guys.
This may or may not be a photograph of Michel Foucault.
4. A wild boar would never in a million years end up as best friends with a meerkat. That's just unrealistic.
Wild boars eat fucking cheetahs for breakfast, they do not hang out with meerkats ever.
5. Jonathan Taylor Thomas sure feels an awful lot like stunt casting twenty years later, doesn't he?
Who could guess that this little motherfucker would grow up to be an ugly, forgotten loser? Not Disney, that's for sure.
6. I'm guessing astronomy was not Mufasa's strongest subject in school. So maybe he shouldn't spend so much time filling his son's head with a pack of lies about outer space.
Those aren't 'kings' you self-centered asshole, they're super-hot globular clusters of hydrogen and helium and you mean nothing at all to them.
7. Female hyenas experience massive erections that cause their clits to grow large and hard. Somehow this didn't make it into the movie, despite the performance of the foul-mouthed Whoopi Goldberg as one of the hyenas.
Whoop there's a clitoris
8. A total lack of Robin Williams. What were they thinking?
Nathan Lane may be many things, but he's no Robin Williams.
9. Naming the villain Scar is laying it on a little thick, guys.
Disney was proud of itself for not having Scar twirl his mustache because that counts as restraint with those hacks.
10. The whole thing is just a big rip off of Hamlet, with nearly all of the tragedy, madness, humor, and death cut out which is the stuff that makes Hamlet interesting to watch in the first place.
Shakespeare never had to steal his plots because he was a genius, unlike Jeffrey Katzenberg.
11. In short: Fuck The Lion King. The only thing it has going for it is that unlike The Emperor's New Groove, David Spade had nothing to do with it.
It could always be worse.