Friday, May 6, 2016

These Bland White Men Are Movie Stars For Some Reason

Chris Evans
Chris Evan is perfect for the role of Captain America because just like Captain America, Chris Evan is an utterly boring shell. He's a hollow white male mascot with nothing to say. Therefore he's a perfect avatar to represent diversity in Hollywood circa 2016.

Sam Worthington
Speaking of avatar, Sam Worthington starred in Avatar. The highest-grossing movie of all time. Everyone saw Avatar, right? I will remind you, Avatar (apparently) starred Sam Worthington, at least if we're going to believe IMDb.com. How would you describe Sam Worthinton? Can you remember anything about him? Anything at all?

Well, here's one thing I can say about Sam Worthinston. By virtue of his being a total non-entity, Sam Worthington is the only actor capable of making Giovanni Ribisi believable as a dynamic, menacing villain. Giovanni Ribisi. From Friends.

Aaron Taylor-Johnson
The new Godzilla movie was going to be great until Bryan Cranston died 15 minutes into it and we were stuck watching watching this charmless block of wood for the rest of the movie.

Charlie Hunnam
No one gives a shit about Charlie Hunnam.

Garrett Hedlund
Man oh man, Garrett Hedlund, what did we do to deserve you? White men make up less than a third of the U.S. population and Hollywood makes its blockbusters for the rest of the world anyway. So what then explains Garrett Headlands?

Armie Hammer
The most interesting thing about Armie Hammer is his name.

Chris Hemsworth (Huntsman)
As Thor, Chris Hemsworth is the only member of The Avengers more stilted than Chris Evans. They should really kick out the Hulk, Iron Man, Arrow Man, and Black Dahlia and then rename their team The League of the Ordinary Chris's. Then they should disband and kill themselves.

Hemsworth also stars in another 'franchise' called Huntsman. Huntsman movies are not about former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman, though that would likely be more interesting than what they are about. Huntsman is a made up white male lead added to the Snow White fairy tale for no reason at all except as an excuse to cast another bland white man to star a fantasy action movie that no one will ever care about or remember.

Snow White and the Huntsman came out a few years ago. This spring, a sequel appeared entitled Huntsman: Winter's War. That's right, Hollywood made a sequel to Snow White without Snow White because I guess these days there are too many movies coming out starring women. Instead the movie stars Chris Hemsworth as Huntsman. Huntsman, who fought in Winter's War and ran for the Republican nomination for president in 2012 but lost to Mitt Romney.

Liam Hemsworth
Oh God, Huntsman has a brother. Holy Jesus. And he's starring in the new Independence Day movie, replacing Will Smith. Will the reign of terror of bland white men starring in every blockbuster never end?

Josh Hutcherson
This guy isn't even real. I made him up. He stars as, as...uh, let's say his character's name is Peeta...yeah, Peeta. Peeta Mellark. He's in a series of movies about, fuck it, how about the movie's just kids killing other kids. And these movies, starring Josh...Hutcherson? Is that what we're calling him? Yeah, Josh Hutcherson as a kid named Peeta. These movies have grossed nearly $3 billion at the box office. Yep. Peeta Mellark.


Josh Hartnett
You ever wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night and your heart's racing and all you can think is WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO JOSH HARTNETT? As the patron saint of bland white male movie stars, we can only hope they all go his way: languishing in obscurity before turning 40.
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