Friday, May 6, 2016

These Bland White Men Are Movie Stars For Some Reason

Chris Evans
Chris Evan is perfect for the role of Captain America because just like Captain America, Chris Evan is an utterly boring shell. He's a hollow white male mascot with nothing to say. Therefore he's a perfect avatar to represent diversity in Hollywood circa 2016.

Sam Worthington
Speaking of avatar, Sam Worthington starred in Avatar. The highest-grossing movie of all time. Everyone saw Avatar, right? I will remind you, Avatar (apparently) starred Sam Worthington, at least if we're going to believe IMDb.com. How would you describe Sam Worthinton? Can you remember anything about him? Anything at all?

Well, here's one thing I can say about Sam Worthinston. By virtue of his being a total non-entity, Sam Worthington is the only actor capable of making Giovanni Ribisi believable as a dynamic, menacing villain. Giovanni Ribisi. From Friends.

Aaron Taylor-Johnson
The new Godzilla movie was going to be great until Bryan Cranston died 15 minutes into it and we were stuck watching watching this charmless block of wood for the rest of the movie.

Charlie Hunnam
No one gives a shit about Charlie Hunnam.

Garrett Hedlund
Man oh man, Garrett Hedlund, what did we do to deserve you? White men make up less than a third of the U.S. population and Hollywood makes its blockbusters for the rest of the world anyway. So what then explains Garrett Headlands?

Armie Hammer
The most interesting thing about Armie Hammer is his name.

Chris Hemsworth (Huntsman)
As Thor, Chris Hemsworth is the only member of The Avengers more stilted than Chris Evans. They should really kick out the Hulk, Iron Man, Arrow Man, and Black Dahlia and then rename their team The League of the Ordinary Chris's. Then they should disband and kill themselves.

Hemsworth also stars in another 'franchise' called Huntsman. Huntsman movies are not about former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman, though that would likely be more interesting than what they are about. Huntsman is a made up white male lead added to the Snow White fairy tale for no reason at all except as an excuse to cast another bland white man to star a fantasy action movie that no one will ever care about or remember.

Snow White and the Huntsman came out a few years ago. This spring, a sequel appeared entitled Huntsman: Winter's War. That's right, Hollywood made a sequel to Snow White without Snow White because I guess these days there are too many movies coming out starring women. Instead the movie stars Chris Hemsworth as Huntsman. Huntsman, who fought in Winter's War and ran for the Republican nomination for president in 2012 but lost to Mitt Romney.

Liam Hemsworth
Oh God, Huntsman has a brother. Holy Jesus. And he's starring in the new Independence Day movie, replacing Will Smith. Will the reign of terror of bland white men starring in every blockbuster never end?

Josh Hutcherson
This guy isn't even real. I made him up. He stars as, as...uh, let's say his character's name is Peeta...yeah, Peeta. Peeta Mellark. He's in a series of movies about, fuck it, how about the movie's just kids killing other kids. And these movies, starring Josh...Hutcherson? Is that what we're calling him? Yeah, Josh Hutcherson as a kid named Peeta. These movies have grossed nearly $3 billion at the box office. Yep. Peeta Mellark.


Josh Hartnett
You ever wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night and your heart's racing and all you can think is WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO JOSH HARTNETT? As the patron saint of bland white male movie stars, we can only hope they all go his way: languishing in obscurity before turning 40.

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Little Marco and Big Trump: A Dom/Sub Slashfic

“Damn it, Donald! I was supposed to be the chosen one!”

Little Marco sat across the desk from the man who looked likely to end his political career that evening. Big Trump appeared casual but confident, barrel-chested with strong-looking rounded shoulders that rested easily on the luxuriously appointed leather swivel chair. 
"Don't worry about it, Little Marco...it'll all be over soon. I've beat you so many times it's gonna be a relief to you now that you're finished, believe me. Once you endorse we'll figure out how you're gonna serve in my administration, since you can't go back to Florida after I embarrass you in front of everyone there. Maybe you can be my FEMA Administrator...wait, you're too much of a choker for that, aren't you -"

"I'm not a choker! And stop calling me Little Marco!"

How Little Marco hated his debased desire for Big Trump's embrace! He looked down, averting his eyes from the enormous desk carved of rich mahogany, the classy gold pens and sharpies held up in those little holder things littered across that same desk, the various gold encrusted trophies and plaques scattered about the office suite, the golden-hued tapestries hanging from the walls, the tremendously-sized windows that overlooked the glittering Manhattan skyline, and all the other goldish fineries that bedecked the Trump Tower penthouse, serving on this blackest of nights as Little Marco's very own Rubicon.

When Little Marco opened his eyes again, he felt hot tears run down his cheeks. Through the tears, he saw fingers drumming on Big Trump's desk. He knew who they belonged to. Many people said Big Trump's fingers were very short and sausage-like, and even little Marco believed them at first. He felt even more sullen as he thought back to the day he had impugned Big Trump's hands. They didn't seem so small now.

“They don't seem so small now, do they?” Trump was holding up his hands in Little Marco's face. "Come here, Little Marco." Trump beckoned him forward, and then patted his right leg. Their eyes locked with an intensity Little Marco was only beginning to understand. Yes, Donald…claim me…

All he wanted was to rush over onto the bigger man's lap and begin to lap, but he resisted and turned away in anguish. His voice squeaked,  “Let's dispel once and for all with this fiction that I'm going to endorse you just because -”

But Trump was on him before he could finish the sentence he had practiced over and over again in the mirror, the sentence that would firmly reject Trump's entreaties for his endorsement, the sentence that was useless now since Trump hadn't even asked, he had taken, like always - and the only thing firmly rejected were Little Marco's clothes, which were firmly rejected off his body and onto the floor. Trump fell upon him like a savage, bent him over the desk and thrust into him with a rigid and corpulent coil of elderly loins, and in the pleasure Little Marco took from Trump's lust, his body became an extension of Trump's tremendous success in the GOP primaries—proof of his worthiness to be the next President of the United States, in Little Marco's eyes, at least.

A river of sweat and spittle dribbled down Little Marco's back and gathered at the base of his spine. Between spanks, yanks, and bleats, flecks of spit flew out the sides of Big Trump's mouth. Each bit of spittle that hit Little Marco on his back, legs, forehead, chin, and ear lobes only hardened his resolve. And by resolve, I mean erection. Little Marco's endorsement was forthcoming momentarily. He would endorse all over the rich mahogany desk, just before Trump made America great again deep inside Little Marco's body cavity.

Little Marco collapsed onto the now-slippery desk in ecstasy. Trump pulled his pants back up and began to stagger around the room raving to himself and anyone within earshot."What a tremendous blow for conservatism! That was a tremendous blow, frankly, for our country! Nobody pounds Little Marco better than me, believe me, and I pounded him for very cheap. We made the best deals. And how you do it, let me tell you, is good management..." Trump continued speaking in this manner without interruption for the next seventy minutes, though eventually he left the office suite and finished his peroration in front of a bank of cameras and slack-jawed supporters.

Curled up in a trembling, clammy ball on the desk, Little Marco thought of all the older men he had shoved out of the way on his way to this ignoble night. Charlie Crist. Jeb Bush. He wondered where they were now, and whether Trump had already ruptured their anuses too. He quivered, and his teeth began to chatter. Then, through slimy, feverish, lips, Little Marco whimpered: "The horror...the horror..."

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

ALL-CAPS eXpLoSIoN of FEEELINGS Regarding the Fact that People STILL WON'T Just SHUT UP and VOTE FOR HILLARY Already, It's Her Turn, Okay?

As Bernie Sanders has Hillary Clinton have become opponents, their residents have begun attacking each other. And things have gotten ugly. I can't believe when you combine politics and the internet that the results are anything less than civil, cordial and polite!

For many of us, it's not simply politics as usual. There's never been a major party nomination fight between a female candidate and a male candidate who also would be a historical first if he were elected president. Except for last time.

For me, the backlash against Hillary Clinton feels very, very personal. Because she's my bae. Wait, I mean my abuela. Wait, what should I call her to make this go viral?

Can you imagine how Hillary must feel for a minute? After all, in a country where 47 million people live in poverty, we should be really be concerned about the emotional state of a multimillionaire celebrity who once again aspires to be president and is giving up her former job giving speeches to banks for six figure fees to do it. 

So can you just imagine what it's like to work so hard to prove how hard it is to work so hard to be LIKABLE, YET STRONG?  It must be as hard as it is for a single mother to prove to Hillary Clinton she's no longer a deadbeat anymore and she's actually out there being productive!

Can you for a moment think of how difficult it is to be HIP, but above the need to be seen as COOL? Especially when the most well-known sketch comedy show in the history of the United States will only write and perform a few sketches each time you run for president dramatizing your grievances and how difficult it is to be the frontrunner of a major political party's nomination contest.

Can you empathize a little with how everything she says has to be perfect because she'd be crucified otherwise (she's already being crucified that's why I'm writing this but she'd be double crucified if she said something imperfect she never does though), meanwhile Bernie Sanders can say pretty much anything he wants and all that happens is he is almost completely frozen out from being endorsed by any prominent elected official or elite-run progressive organization?

I'm so infuriated on her behalf. Because what you like about Bernie (you dumb stupid bro who is very very misogynist indeed), what they (teh racizts) like about Trump, she doesn't get to do that. She doesn't get to be all wild hair and yelling. Do I wish different? Of course. I wish I could be all wild hair and yelling. I wish we could all be all wild hair and yelling. And the first female president would go a long way toward making that difference possible. The difference of Wild Hair and Yelling.

So since Hillary cannot yell, since by the virtue of being a sane Christian and not a crazy New York Jew she is forced to be the biggest adult in the room (with personal net worth of $31.3 million LOLZ), I will yell for her. (It's not as if the $132 million raised by her campaign and outside groups this cycle could buy some television ads to make her case or anything, I really do need to yell here, because she is a woman and has no voice of her own.)

FIRST AND EFFING FOREMOST, COOL, YOU LIKE BERNIE'S HOPEY CHANGEY APPROACH TO POLITICS. "FREE COLLEGE FOR EVERYONE AND A GODDAMN PONY." YES, THAT SOUNDS FUCKING WONDERFUL BUT DO YOU THINK HILLARY COULD EVEN SAY THOSE WORDS WITHOUT FOX NEWS LITERALLY (NOT FIGURATIVELY) BURYING HER ALIVE IN TAMPONS AND CRUCIFIXES? TAMPONS B/C SHE A LADY AND CRUCIFIXES B/C SHE A MARTYR. SHE OUR LADY MARTYR. OUR MULTIMILLIONAIRE LADY MARTYR.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, SHE DEFINITELY WOULD SUPPORT BERNIE'S FREE COLLEGE FOR ALL PLAN IF SHE COULD. HER OPPOSITION HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT BERNIE'S COLLEGE FOR ALL PLAN WOULD BE PAID FOR BY A TAX ON WALL STREET SPECULATION. HILLARY WISHES SHE COULD SUPPORT A TAX ON WALL STREET BUT SHE CAN'T BECAUSE FOX NEWS IS MEAN. SHE SUPPORTS A MUCH WEAKER VERSION OF THE SAME TAX, AGAIN - BECAUSE FOX NEWS.

YOU DON'T LIKE THAT SHE CAMPAIGNED FOR CERTAIN NOW-UNACCEPTABLE POLICIES BACK IN THE '90S? HEY, I GET THAT THAT SHIT SEEMS LIKE LAST WEEK, BUT IT WAS ANOTHER GODDAMN WORLD ENTIRELY. YEAH, SURE, THE POLICIES SHE SUPPORTED BACK IN THE '90S ARE STILL IN PLACE AND HAVE CAUSED MASSIVE PROBLEMS FOR THE MOST VULNERABLE PEOPLE IN THE COUNTRY DURING THE GREAT RECESSION, AND SURE SHE VOTED FOR THE SAME SHIT POLICIES AS RECENTLY AS THE '00S WHEN SHE WAS IN THE SENATE, BUT WE CAN'T ALL BE THE UNIVERSE'S BESTEST HUMANS OKAI??

MOST OF THIS COUNTRY JUST LEARNED TRANS PEOPLE EXIST, LIKE, YESTERDAY. LET'S NOT PRETEND ANYONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD SUPPORTED GAY MARRIAGE BEFORE THE YEAR 2013. NO ONE RUNNING AGAINST HILLARY HAS BEEN THE MOST INCLUSIVE PROGRESSIVE SUPER-COOL PERSON FOR LIKE A THOUSAND YEARS NOW.

YOU DON'T LIKE THAT SHE PLAYS THE GAME? THAT SHE HAS TIES TO  IS THE ESTABLISHMENT? FOR ONE THING, THAT'S HOW SHIT FUCKING GETS DONE. FOR THE OTHER THING, THE BIGGEST THING, A WOMAN DOESN'T GET THE FUCKING OPTION *NOT* TO PLAY THE GAME. HER ONLY OPTION AFTER BEING SECRETARY OF STATE WAS TO COLLECT SIX FIGURE SPEAKING FEES FROM WALL STREET. SHE COULD NOT HAVE DONE ANYTHING ELSE. THAT WAS HER ONLY OPTION. BECAUSE SHE IS A WOMAN. SHE HAD TO MAKE LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY FOR HERSELF. THAT'S HOW SHIT FUCKING GETS DONE. NO OTHER OPTION. WOMAN. CHOICE. PRO-CHOICE. PRO THE CHOICE TO PERSONALLY ENRICH YOURSELF.

AND THESE NEW BERNIE VS. HILLARY MEMES. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN DOING?





OH WAIT, THOSE ARE THE OLD HILLARY MEMES. SORRY, WE REALLY LIKE THOSE. THEY ARE FUN. YOU SHOULD SHARE THEM ON ALL YOUR SOCIAL NETWORKS. WE TRAIL BY 70 POINTS AMONG MILLENNIALS. WE REALLY NEED TO FIGURE OUT THIS MEME THING. AHEM, SORRY, I DO NOT WORK FOR HILLARY. I AM VERY GRASSROOT.

I'M NOT SAYING THERE AREN'T REASONS SOMEONE SHOULD DISLIKE HILLARY OR PREFER BERNIE. THAT IS FINE. I WILL EXPLODE WITH FEELINGS, BUT I WILL BE FINE. BUT LET'S NOT PRETEND FOR A SECOND THAT THERE WOULD BE *THIS MANY* ISSUES WITH HILLARY IF SHE WAS A GODDAMN MAN. OBAMA DEFINITELY NEVER FACED ANY OF THIS. AND BERNIE THE JEW IS NOT FACING ANY ANTI-SEMITISM AS A CANDIDATE WHATSOEVER. FUCK HIM.

AND IF YOU COME AT ME ALL BRO-LIKE BECAUSE YOU ARE BRO OBVI WITH A "YOU JUST LIKE HER BECAUSE SHE'S A WOMAN" I WILL SET MYSELF ON FIRE. I LIKE HER! I LIKE HER POLICIES THOUGH I CANNOT BRING MYSELF TO TELL YOU ABOUT ANY OF THEM HERE BECAUSE THIS IS ABOUT FEELINGS ONLY, I LIKE HER PLANS WHICH ARE DIFFERENT THAN HER POLICIES BUT AGAIN I CAN'T RECALL ANY OF THEM AT THE MOMENT, I LIKE WHAT SHE STANDS FOR WHICH I HAVE NOT EXPLAINED AND WON'T EXPLAIN BECAUSE WHAT SHE STANDS FOR IS OBVIOUS AND IS NOT CONSTANTLY CHANGING BASED ON WHAT POLLS WELL OR SEEMS EXPEDIENT OR EASY TO DEFEND IN THE MOMENT.

I'M SICK OF HAVING TO APOLOGIZE FOR LIKING HER, FOR HAVING TO QUALIFY AND SEE YOUR SIDE AND RESPECT YOUR OPINION WHEN I FUCKING DON'T. FUCK THE IRAQIS I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO QUALIFY MY FEELINGS ABOUT A MULTIMILLIONAIRE CELEBRITY JUST BECAUSE SHE VOTED TO INVADE A COUNTRY FOR NO REAL REASON OTHER THAN POLITICAL EXPEDIENCY, CAUSING 100S OF THOUSANDS OF INNOCENT PEOPLE TO DIE, AGAIN SHE WAS AFRAID OF WHAT VOTING THE OTHER WAY MIGHT MEAN FOR HER REELECTION. REMEMBER THAT SHE'S A WOMAN SO THAT'S A COMPLETELY DEFENSIBLE REASON TO VOTE FOR WAR,  EVEN THE DUMBEST WAR IN HISTORY.

AND MOST OF YOU LIKE HER POLICIES AND PLANS TOO BECAUSE A) THEY'RE BASICALLY FUCKING THE SAME AS OBAMA AND HIS POLICIES AND PLANS ARE GREAT AND FIXED EVERYTHING AND WEREN'T COMPROMISED AT ALL BY BEING TOO ESTABLISHMENT-FRIENDLY B) THEY'RE NOT THAT FUCKING DIFFERENT THAN FUCKING BERNIE THOUGH I CANNOT BE BOTHERED TO ELABORATE ON THIS POINT BECAUSE THIS IS ABOUT MY FEELINGS AND NOT ABOUT THE AGENDAS OF THE TWO CANDIDATES I AM SAD THAT LADY MARTYR MIGHT BLOW HER CHANCE YET AGAIN

THIS IS BASICALLY TWITTER RIGHT NOW:


OH WAIT...

ANYWAY IT IS ABSOLUTELY GUT WRENCHING THAT THIS BADASS (OBLITERATING IRAN IS BADASS!!!!), IMPORTANT (READ: MILLIONAIRE) WOMAN HAS BEEN DIMINISHED AND WRITTEN OFF HER WHOLE CAREER. YES, THOUGH SHE HAS BEEN ELECTED TO THE U.S. SENATE TWICE, APPOINTED SECRETARY OF STATE UNDER OBAMA, AND HAS BEEN PRESUMED THE FRONTRUNNER FOR THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION FOR PRESIDENT TWO TIMES IN A ROW, WITH MORE ESTABLISHMENT BACKING THIS TIME AROUND THAN ANY OTHER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE IN HISTORY, I AM STILL SAYING WITH A STRAIGHT FACE THAT THIS FABULOUSLY WEALTHY WHITE WOMAN HAS ONLY BEEN DIMINISHED AND WRITTEN OFF HER WHOLE CAREER.

YOU LIKE BERNIE BECAUSE HE DOESN'T PLAY THE GAME, BUT FOR HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON, FOR A WOMAN, SHE HAS HAD NO OTHER CHOICE. SHE HAD TO TAKE ALL THAT MONEY FROM WALL STREET. HER HANDS WERE TIED. THERE IS NO PROMINENT FEMALE POLITICIAN WHO GIVES A MIDDLE FINGER TO WALL STREET AND REMAINS POPULAR. NONE AT ALL.

SO, YES, I'M EMOTIONAL AND I'M YELLING. BECAUSE THIS IS FUCKING EMOTIONAL FOR ME. I WANT A FEMALE PRESIDENT AND FOR SOME REASON WANT THAT FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENT TO BE THE WIFE OF A FORMER PRESIDENT. I WANT THE FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENT TO BE SOMEONE WITH ALMOST NO PRINCIPLES OR CORE VALUES TO SPEAK OF OTHER THAN WHATEVER ADVANCES HER INTERESTS AT THE MOMENT. I WANT HILLARY CLINTON. YAAAS HILLARY!!!

I WANT THESE THINGS BUT MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE I WANT WOMEN TO HAVE AN EQUAL FUCKING FAIR SHAKE. BUT I WANT RICH WHITE WOMEN WITH CORPORATE AFFILIATIONS TO HAVE A MORE EQUAL FUCKING FAIR SHAKE THAN OTHERS.

SO FUCK EVERYTHING. I'M WITH HER.

Thank you for your time. Excuse me while I refuse to engage in any actual substantive conversation about anything for all eternity.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

I, Nicholas Obama

My name is Nicholas Obama. I am the illegitimate son of the illegitimate president of these United States. I have long remained hidden under the witness protection program using the false name Robert Bruens (or 'Robbie' to my friends). But after my father gave what he claims is his final State of the Union address, I felt I could hide no longer. So here I am, Nicholas Obama, here to tell you my story for the first time.
Me me, I'm Nicholas Obama
You will notice I used the word illegitimate twice in a rather inflammatory way. I will explain. I am an illegitimate boy because Barack Obama (or as I call him, Obummer) fathered me outside of the holy compact of marriage. My mother is not Michelle Obama. My biological mother is Harriet Albania, a former child prostitute from South Africa. She is presently an antigovernment dissident living in Venezuela. I haven't spoke to her in months.
Barack Obama aka 'Obummer' aka 'Ali Jamal Hassan' as he is known to the others on the Majestic Council of the 12 Clerics
And my father is an illegitimate president for obvious reasons. He wasn't born in the United States, as the eminent businessman Donald Trump has repeatedly proven. Nor has he ever even visited the United States. Many people don't realize that Obummer currently rules the greatest nation the earth has ever seen (the U.S., natch) from a Potemkin capital in Nairobi. His government-in-exile has moved around some, with brief stints in Cairo, Dubai, Addis Ababa, East Timor, and elsewhere. But this matters little now. If he relinquishes power a year from now as he claims, we will hear no more of his regime and can turn our backs completely on this shameful and dark period of our generally glorious history.

I was born in Johannesburg. In the late 1980s, my father (an admitted cokehead) used to cruise around that city looking for cheap thrills. On one of his many menacing nights of debauchery, he met my mother in a sordid brothel known then as "The Devil's Lumberyard." Harriet told me that Obummer used to describe her as "hotter than the hottest tamale I ever did ate." I find this hard to imagine as her face was badly damaged in a horrible fire that killed the family dog when I was 7.

My biological mother, Harriet Albania, after her accident. She still finished her degree, as she is a proud woman.
Though Obummer used his significant financial backing from the Bin Laden family and others to pay for me to be adopted by two lovely American adult persons in California (I think of them as my parents even if they didn't sire me themselves), and also to buy many years of silence beyond that, I have decided to speak up in the hopes that my story might be used to finally dislodge him from his grip on power. It may be too late, as he has used the office of the president to set up all that he needs when he leaves office to establish a new Islamic caliphate that stretches from East Africa to Southeast Asia. I hope not. I don't want to see another war with the Muslims. But if that's what they want, that's what they will get.

My name is Nicholas Obama, and I will remain silent no longer.
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