I, Nicholas Obama

My name is Nicholas Obama. I am the illegitimate son of the illegitimate president of these United States. I have long remained hidden under the witness protection program using the false name Robert Bruens (or 'Robbie' to my friends). But after my father gave what he claims is his final State of the Union address, I felt I could hide no longer. So here I am, Nicholas Obama, here to tell you my story for the first time.

Me me, I'm Nicholas Obama

You will notice I used the word illegitimate twice in a rather inflammatory way. I will explain. I am an illegitimate boy because Barack Obama (or as I call him, Obummer) fathered me outside of the holy compact of marriage. My mother is not Michelle Obama. My biological mother is Harriet Albania, a former child prostitute from South Africa. She is presently an antigovernment dissident living in Venezuela. I haven't spoke to her in months.

Barack Obama aka 'Obummer' aka 'Ali Jamal Hassan' as he is known to the others on the Majestic Council of the 12 Clerics

And my father is an illegitimate president for obvious reasons. He wasn't born in the United States, as the eminent businessman Donald Trump has repeatedly proven. Nor has he ever even visited the United States. Many people don't realize that Obummer currently rules the greatest nation the earth has ever seen (the U.S., natch) from a Potemkin capital in Nairobi. His government-in-exile has moved around some, with brief stints in Cairo, Dubai, Addis Ababa, East Timor, and elsewhere. But this matters little now. If he relinquishes power a year from now as he claims, we will hear no more of his regime and can turn our backs completely on this shameful and dark period of our generally glorious history.

I was born in Johannesburg. In the late 1980s, my father (an admitted cokehead) used to cruise around that city looking for cheap thrills. On one of his many menacing nights of debauchery, he met my mother in a sordid brothel known then as "The Devil's Lumberyard." Harriet told me that Obummer used to describe her as "hotter than the hottest tamale I ever did ate." I find this hard to imagine as her face was badly damaged in a horrible fire that killed the family dog when I was 7.

My biological mother, Harriet Albania, after her accident. She still finished her degree, as she is a proud woman.

Though Obummer used his significant financial backing from the Bin Laden family and others to pay for me to be adopted by two lovely American adult persons in California (I think of them as my parents even if they didn't sire me themselves), and also to buy many years of silence beyond that, I have decided to speak up in the hopes that my story might be used to finally dislodge him from his grip on power. It may be too late, as he has used the office of the president to set up all that he needs when he leaves office to establish a new Islamic caliphate that stretches from East Africa to Southeast Asia. I hope not. I don't want to see another war with the Muslims. But if that's what they want, that's what they will get.

My name is Nicholas Obama, and I will remain silent no longer.