ALL-CAPS eXpLoSIoN of FEEELINGS Regarding the Fact that People STILL WON'T Just SHUT UP and VOTE FOR HILLARY Already, It's Her Turn, Okay?

As Bernie Sanders has Hillary Clinton have become opponents, their residents have begun attacking each other. And things have gotten ugly. I can't believe when you combine politics and the internet that the results are anything less than civil, cordial and polite!

For many of us, it's not simply politics as usual. There's never been a major party nomination fight between a female candidate and a male candidate who also would be a historical first if he were elected president. Except for last time.

For me, the backlash against Hillary Clinton feels very, very personal. Because she's my bae. Wait, I mean my abuela. Wait, what should I call her to make this go viral?

Can you imagine how Hillary must feel for a minute? After all, in a country where 47 million people live in poverty, we should be really be concerned about the emotional state of a multimillionaire celebrity who once again aspires to be president and is giving up her former job giving speeches to banks for six figure fees to do it. 

So can you just imagine what it's like to work so hard to prove how hard it is to work so hard to be LIKABLE, YET STRONG?  It must be as hard as it is for a single mother to prove to Hillary Clinton she's no longer a deadbeat anymore and she's actually out there being productive!

Can you for a moment think of how difficult it is to be HIP, but above the need to be seen as COOL? Especially when the most well-known sketch comedy show in the history of the United States will only write and perform a few sketches each time you run for president dramatizing your grievances and how difficult it is to be the frontrunner of a major political party's nomination contest.

Can you empathize a little with how everything she says has to be perfect because she'd be crucified otherwise (she's already being crucified that's why I'm writing this but she'd be double crucified if she said something imperfect she never does though), meanwhile Bernie Sanders can say pretty much anything he wants and all that happens is he is almost completely frozen out from being endorsed by any prominent elected official or elite-run progressive organization?

I'm so infuriated on her behalf. Because what you like about Bernie (you dumb stupid bro who is very very misogynist indeed), what they (teh racizts) like about Trump, she doesn't get to do that. She doesn't get to be all wild hair and yelling. Do I wish different? Of course. I wish I could be all wild hair and yelling. I wish we could all be all wild hair and yelling. And the first female president would go a long way toward making that difference possible. The difference of Wild Hair and Yelling.

So since Hillary cannot yell, since by the virtue of being a sane Christian and not a crazy New York Jew she is forced to be the biggest adult in the room (with personal net worth of $31.3 million LOLZ), I will yell for her. (It's not as if the $132 million raised by her campaign and outside groups this cycle could buy some television ads to make her case or anything, I really do need to yell here, because she is a woman and has no voice of her own.)

FIRST AND EFFING FOREMOST, COOL, YOU LIKE BERNIE'S HOPEY CHANGEY APPROACH TO POLITICS. "FREE COLLEGE FOR EVERYONE AND A GODDAMN PONY." YES, THAT SOUNDS FUCKING WONDERFUL BUT DO YOU THINK HILLARY COULD EVEN SAY THOSE WORDS WITHOUT FOX NEWS LITERALLY (NOT FIGURATIVELY) BURYING HER ALIVE IN TAMPONS AND CRUCIFIXES? TAMPONS B/C SHE A LADY AND CRUCIFIXES B/C SHE A MARTYR. SHE OUR LADY MARTYR. OUR MULTIMILLIONAIRE LADY MARTYR.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, SHE DEFINITELY WOULD SUPPORT BERNIE'S FREE COLLEGE FOR ALL PLAN IF SHE COULD. HER OPPOSITION HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT BERNIE'S COLLEGE FOR ALL PLAN WOULD BE PAID FOR BY A TAX ON WALL STREET SPECULATION. HILLARY WISHES SHE COULD SUPPORT A TAX ON WALL STREET BUT SHE CAN'T BECAUSE FOX NEWS IS MEAN. SHE SUPPORTS A MUCH WEAKER VERSION OF THE SAME TAX, AGAIN - BECAUSE FOX NEWS.

YOU DON'T LIKE THAT SHE CAMPAIGNED FOR CERTAIN NOW-UNACCEPTABLE POLICIES BACK IN THE '90S? HEY, I GET THAT THAT SHIT SEEMS LIKE LAST WEEK, BUT IT WAS ANOTHER GODDAMN WORLD ENTIRELY. YEAH, SURE, THE POLICIES SHE SUPPORTED BACK IN THE '90S ARE STILL IN PLACE AND HAVE CAUSED MASSIVE PROBLEMS FOR THE MOST VULNERABLE PEOPLE IN THE COUNTRY DURING THE GREAT RECESSION, AND SURE SHE VOTED FOR THE SAME SHIT POLICIES AS RECENTLY AS THE '00S WHEN SHE WAS IN THE SENATE, BUT WE CAN'T ALL BE THE UNIVERSE'S BESTEST HUMANS OKAI??

MOST OF THIS COUNTRY JUST LEARNED TRANS PEOPLE EXIST, LIKE, YESTERDAY. LET'S NOT PRETEND ANYONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD SUPPORTED GAY MARRIAGE BEFORE THE YEAR 2013. NO ONE RUNNING AGAINST HILLARY HAS BEEN THE MOST INCLUSIVE PROGRESSIVE SUPER-COOL PERSON FOR LIKE A THOUSAND YEARS NOW.

YOU DON'T LIKE THAT SHE PLAYS THE GAME? THAT SHE HAS TIES TO  IS THE ESTABLISHMENT? FOR ONE THING, THAT'S HOW SHIT FUCKING GETS DONE. FOR THE OTHER THING, THE BIGGEST THING, A WOMAN DOESN'T GET THE FUCKING OPTION *NOT* TO PLAY THE GAME. HER ONLY OPTION AFTER BEING SECRETARY OF STATE WAS TO COLLECT SIX FIGURE SPEAKING FEES FROM WALL STREET. SHE COULD NOT HAVE DONE ANYTHING ELSE. THAT WAS HER ONLY OPTION. BECAUSE SHE IS A WOMAN. SHE HAD TO MAKE LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY FOR HERSELF. THAT'S HOW SHIT FUCKING GETS DONE. NO OTHER OPTION. WOMAN. CHOICE. PRO-CHOICE. PRO THE CHOICE TO PERSONALLY ENRICH YOURSELF.

AND THESE NEW BERNIE VS. HILLARY MEMES. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN DOING?

OH WAIT, THOSE ARE THE OLD HILLARY MEMES. SORRY, WE REALLY LIKE THOSE. THEY ARE FUN. YOU SHOULD SHARE THEM ON ALL YOUR SOCIAL NETWORKS. WE TRAIL BY 70 POINTS AMONG MILLENNIALS. WE REALLY NEED TO FIGURE OUT THIS MEME THING. AHEM, SORRY, I DO NOT WORK FOR HILLARY. I AM VERY GRASSROOT.

I'M NOT SAYING THERE AREN'T REASONS SOMEONE SHOULD DISLIKE HILLARY OR PREFER BERNIE. THAT IS FINE. I WILL EXPLODE WITH FEELINGS, BUT I WILL BE FINE. BUT LET'S NOT PRETEND FOR A SECOND THAT THERE WOULD BE *THIS MANY* ISSUES WITH HILLARY IF SHE WAS A GODDAMN MAN. OBAMA DEFINITELY NEVER FACED ANY OF THIS. AND BERNIE THE JEW IS NOT FACING ANY ANTI-SEMITISM AS A CANDIDATE WHATSOEVER. FUCK HIM.

AND IF YOU COME AT ME ALL BRO-LIKE BECAUSE YOU ARE BRO OBVI WITH A "YOU JUST LIKE HER BECAUSE SHE'S A WOMAN" I WILL SET MYSELF ON FIRE. I LIKE HER! I LIKE HER POLICIES THOUGH I CANNOT BRING MYSELF TO TELL YOU ABOUT ANY OF THEM HERE BECAUSE THIS IS ABOUT FEELINGS ONLY, I LIKE HER PLANS WHICH ARE DIFFERENT THAN HER POLICIES BUT AGAIN I CAN'T RECALL ANY OF THEM AT THE MOMENT, I LIKE WHAT SHE STANDS FOR WHICH I HAVE NOT EXPLAINED AND WON'T EXPLAIN BECAUSE WHAT SHE STANDS FOR IS OBVIOUS AND IS NOT CONSTANTLY CHANGING BASED ON WHAT POLLS WELL OR SEEMS EXPEDIENT OR EASY TO DEFEND IN THE MOMENT.

I'M SICK OF HAVING TO APOLOGIZE FOR LIKING HER, FOR HAVING TO QUALIFY AND SEE YOUR SIDE AND RESPECT YOUR OPINION WHEN I FUCKING DON'T. FUCK THE IRAQIS I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO QUALIFY MY FEELINGS ABOUT A MULTIMILLIONAIRE CELEBRITY JUST BECAUSE SHE VOTED TO INVADE A COUNTRY FOR NO REAL REASON OTHER THAN POLITICAL EXPEDIENCY, CAUSING 100S OF THOUSANDS OF INNOCENT PEOPLE TO DIE, AGAIN SHE WAS AFRAID OF WHAT VOTING THE OTHER WAY MIGHT MEAN FOR HER REELECTION. REMEMBER THAT SHE'S A WOMAN SO THAT'S A COMPLETELY DEFENSIBLE REASON TO VOTE FOR WAR,  EVEN THE DUMBEST WAR IN HISTORY.

AND MOST OF YOU LIKE HER POLICIES AND PLANS TOO BECAUSE A) THEY'RE BASICALLY FUCKING THE SAME AS OBAMA AND HIS POLICIES AND PLANS ARE GREAT AND FIXED EVERYTHING AND WEREN'T COMPROMISED AT ALL BY BEING TOO ESTABLISHMENT-FRIENDLY B) THEY'RE NOT THAT FUCKING DIFFERENT THAN FUCKING BERNIE THOUGH I CANNOT BE BOTHERED TO ELABORATE ON THIS POINT BECAUSE THIS IS ABOUT MY FEELINGS AND NOT ABOUT THE AGENDAS OF THE TWO CANDIDATES I AM SAD THAT LADY MARTYR MIGHT BLOW HER CHANCE YET AGAIN

THIS IS BASICALLY TWITTER RIGHT NOW:

OH WAIT...

ANYWAY IT IS ABSOLUTELY GUT WRENCHING THAT THIS BADASS (OBLITERATING IRAN IS BADASS!!!!), IMPORTANT (READ: MILLIONAIRE) WOMAN HAS BEEN DIMINISHED AND WRITTEN OFF HER WHOLE CAREER. YES, THOUGH SHE HAS BEEN ELECTED TO THE U.S. SENATE TWICE, APPOINTED SECRETARY OF STATE UNDER OBAMA, AND HAS BEEN PRESUMED THE FRONTRUNNER FOR THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION FOR PRESIDENT TWO TIMES IN A ROW, WITH MORE ESTABLISHMENT BACKING THIS TIME AROUND THAN ANY OTHER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE IN HISTORY, I AM STILL SAYING WITH A STRAIGHT FACE THAT THIS FABULOUSLY WEALTHY WHITE WOMAN HAS ONLY BEEN DIMINISHED AND WRITTEN OFF HER WHOLE CAREER.

YOU LIKE BERNIE BECAUSE HE DOESN'T PLAY THE GAME, BUT FOR HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON, FOR A WOMAN, SHE HAS HAD NO OTHER CHOICE. SHE HAD TO TAKE ALL THAT MONEY FROM WALL STREET. HER HANDS WERE TIED. THERE IS NO PROMINENT FEMALE POLITICIAN WHO GIVES A MIDDLE FINGER TO WALL STREET AND REMAINS POPULAR. NONE AT ALL.

SO, YES, I'M EMOTIONAL AND I'M YELLING. BECAUSE THIS IS FUCKING EMOTIONAL FOR ME. I WANT A FEMALE PRESIDENT AND FOR SOME REASON WANT THAT FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENT TO BE THE WIFE OF A FORMER PRESIDENT. I WANT THE FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENT TO BE SOMEONE WITH ALMOST NO PRINCIPLES OR CORE VALUES TO SPEAK OF OTHER THAN WHATEVER ADVANCES HER INTERESTS AT THE MOMENT. I WANT HILLARY CLINTON. YAAAS HILLARY!!!

I WANT THESE THINGS BUT MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE I WANT WOMEN TO HAVE AN EQUAL FUCKING FAIR SHAKE. BUT I WANT RICH WHITE WOMEN WITH CORPORATE AFFILIATIONS TO HAVE A MORE EQUAL FUCKING FAIR SHAKE THAN OTHERS.

SO FUCK EVERYTHING. I'M WITH HER.

Thank you for your time. Excuse me while I refuse to engage in any actual substantive conversation about anything for all eternity.